What Does a Codependent Relationship Feel Like?

When you think of codependency in a relationship, do you think of having a relationship with an alcoholic or a drug addict? While being in a relationship with an alcoholic, a drug abuser, or even an e abusive partner, there are other codependent relationships.  A codependent relationship is out of balance. One person is trying to hold the relationship together while the other person is out of control in one or more ways.

If you are in a relationship with a physically abusive partner, you most likely will try to be the ‘perfect’ partner so that your partner won’t use you for a punching bag.  The least little thing could go wrong and your partner could fly off the handle at you and call you every name in and out of the book. Your partner could also mop the floor with your face, and then blame you for making him or her do it to you. Thus, to prevent this kind of behavior, you make the survival of your relationship more important than your own self-worth.

If you are married to a compulsive shopper, you may never have the finances to get your debts paid off because your partner knows no limits. You may feel like an open wallet, instead of an equal partner in the relationship, yet you continue to try and make things right, so that your world won’t fall apart. In a sense, the other person’s happiness is more important to you than your own life. The relationship is so important to you, that you will do anything to keep it together.

Codependency doesn’t have to be associated with alcohol. It doesn’t have to be associated with abuse.  You could have a partner with a mental illness.  You may want to keep your partner from getting upset, so if anything upsets the apple cart, you will try to find a way to fix it to keep your partner happy.  In a codependent relationship, one partner’s happiness depends on the other partner’s happiness. If one person in the relationship isn’t happy for whatever reason, the whole relationship will be off balance until a solution can be found to make the unhappy person content again. It might be as simple as taking the person out for a dinner or it might take buying an expensive piece of jewelry to bring contentment to the relationship again.

Codependent relationships are unhealthy. This Factoider grew up in a codependent family. The word wasn’t even known at that time, but it was toxic and unhealthy and very codependent.  The father had an anger problem, and the mother was the peace maker. The father worked 2 jobs at about $1 an hour back in the early 1960s. The mother worked one job for about the same money.  Mother worked hard to keep the family together. She kept food on the table and clothes on everyone’s back.  The father was angry that the kids were nothing more than parasites. It was the kids’ fault because he had such low paying jobs. It was the kids’ fault that he couldn’t pay bills and had any money left over for the finer things in life. The mother tried to smooth things over and make everything okay. The family was way out of balance. The father tried to get the mother to agree to dump the kids into foster care, because they were nothing more than nooses around his neck.

In this Factoider’s family, the father wasn’t as interested in taking on the responsibilities of having a family as the mother was. It would be easier to dump the kids and be free. The mother, however, put her relationship with her entire family above her own life and her children’s lives.  

In a codependent relationship appearances are everything.  One person in the relationship will try very hard for the relationship to look normal to other people.  No one wants to stand out as dysfunctional, so one partner in the relationship will very likely go above and beyond what is normal to create an environment that is somewhat comfortable.  One person will be the peacemaker, while the other one is out of control. If there are kids involved, it can be very disturbing.